Mark Driscoll's Book Review: Real Marriage - The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together

Well, the book that a great deal of the Evangelical community has been waiting for is here. (Truth be told I'm guessing a lot of pastors were dreading this book as it asks the questions most pastors would cringe asking)  For anyone who might not be familiar with Mark Driscoll all you need do is search his name on YouTube and you'll see a man who is not without controversy in his teaching style.  He's bold in his teaching and vocal on the lack of real men in the church today.  So here are some of my thoughts.

• The books begins with Mark Driscoll and his wife explaining how most Christian books don't address the questions most people struggle with in marriage and by that I mean the REAL questions we all wish we could ask but are simply to embarrassed to ask.  And..he's right.  It drives me crazy how vague premarital counseling has become and how we don't use that time to tackle the tough issues.  We're not equipping people into marriage instead we're throwing two people into the deep end of the pool and saying "God Bless, call me if you have any problems."

• One chapter I thoroughly enjoyed was "Friendship in Marriage".  Mark and his wife make a great point.  Too often I see couple's who are so wrapped up in their children's lives they forget what their marriage was forged on.  As years pass their children leave and what's left in the marriage are two complete strangers who aren't friends but instead two strangers with little to no friendship.  Make those date nights a priority!

• In traditional Driscoll format he say's things in such a way where I'm left with the feeling, "did he really just say that?"  The following is one of those.

 My previously free and fun girlfriend was suddenly my frigid and fearful wife. She did not undress in front of me, required the lights to be off on the rare occasions we were intimate, checked out during sex, and experienced a lot of physical discomfort because she was tense...One night, as we approached the birth of our first child, Ashley, and the launch of our church, I had a dream in which I saw some things that shook me to my core.  I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating. It was so clear it was like watching a film — something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelation I sometimes receive. I awoke, threw up, and spent the rest of the night sitting on our couch, praying, hoping it was untrue, and waiting for her to wake up so I could ask her. I asked her if it was true, fearing the answer. Yes, she confessed, it was. Grace started weeping and trying to apologize for lying to me, but I honestly don’t remember the details of the conversation, as I was shell-shocked. Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her.” (p. 6, 11-12)

          The part that bothers me the most is the last sentence..."Had i known about this sin, I would not have married her."  Lots of other blogs and boards have had conversations on just this one sentence alone.  He and his wife have been married from quite some time and have 5 children together.  Conversations ranging from, "is he saying he regret's marrying her" or "had I simply known I never would have pursued marriage" or something else entirely.  In my eyes forgiveness is the key thing.  She clearly loves the lord and regrets the decision she made.  I struggle with what he wrote and wonder how his wife reacted to the sentence.  It seems bullish and down right un-compassionate to say such a thing as he reflects back on his time with is wife.  The paragraph is followed by some other key sections in the book which reflect the mindset of Driscoll.

He notes: “I grew more chauvinistic. I had never cheated on a girlfriend, but I never had a girlfriend who did not cheat on me. And now I knew that included my own wife. So I started to distrust women in general, including Grace. This affected my tone in preaching for a season, something I will always regret.” (p. 14)

and

“In the second year of the church we had a lot of single people getting married," he writes, "so I decided to preach through the Song of Songs on the joys of marital intimacy and sex. The church grew quickly, lots of people got married, many women became pregnant, and my counseling load exploded. I started spending dozens of hours every week dealing with every kind of sexual issue imaginable...Although I loved our people and my wife, this only added to my bitterness. I had a church filled with young women who were asking how they could stop being sexually ravenous and wait for a Christian husband, then I’d go home to a wife whom I was not sexually enjoying.” (p. 15)

I have to give Mark Driscoll kudos on his candor about the state of his marriage during this time.  Maybe I'm reading into it...maybe I'm not.  But as the book is based around openness and honesty I suppose these are his feelings about the period of time he went through.  My hope is that for most people, despite whatever mistakes we made in relationships before our marriage, it wouldn't keep us from marrying someone.

Last is the piece most people would be drawn to....the chapter called "Can we...?"  Let you mind wander and that's pretty much what they tackle.  The chapter is devoted to the commonly asked questions about all things sex.  For any further detail BUY THE BOOK!

So, my recommendation is...  

If you're light of heart the book is probably not for you.  If you have a heart condition, the book is probably not for you.  If you still sing hymn's in church and wear sock garters, this book is probably not for you.  However, if you're open to reading and tackling some very real issues surrounding your own personal relationship with your spouse this might be a good read.  It's RAW..very raw.  I don't agree with 100% of the book...nor should anyone.  But read it with a prayerful heart and perhaps you'll find some nuggets that could really make a positive impact on your marriage.