Looking for a job?

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief.I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that
most people can only dream about. Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

Letters...We get letters....

Alright Crusader readers, it's time to read from the mail bag.

Dear Crusader, I just found your space by accident. I was in fact looking for a blog on the actual Crusades when your page popped up from the blog search. Do you feel guilty misleading the readers by calling yourself a crusader when you really aren't crusading against anything? An accidental Reader

Wow...thanks for that email. In answer to your question. No..i don't feel guilty. In fact the crusade that i lead is against the forces that would otherwise take over my home and create a state of anarchy instead of the tribal bliss I have created in my own garden of eden. These forces range from 3 years of age to 13. Hope that answers your question.

Dear Crusader, I'm a part time fireman who is also Mexican. My wife is about to give birth to twin boys. What should i name them?

Cordially,
Mexican Firehouse

Thanks for the question and thank you for giving me the opportunity to name your two children. Since you are in deed Mexican and a fireman i would name your sons, Jose and Hose B. Thanks for the question!

Well gang keep the mail coming...The crusader loves to hear form everyone!

The waterbed....

As many people know the crusader enjoys his afternoon naps. One fine Sunday afternoon the Crusader was deep in sleep but oddly enough I was dreaming of crashing waves and beach sand. Suddenly, my dream began to stink as though an ocean liner of "stank" had fallen into the ocean. Awakening from this polluted dream I noticed my 3 year old daughter in bed with me. How cute, she wanted to nap with dad. However, my hand was wet...and...well...i smelled like the back end of a mall parking lot. Yes, she had in fact urinated in our bed. Gross. So, your crusader jumped into action to clean up the mess. I awoke from my slumber....analyzed the situation....and called for my wife. In moments like this it's important to call in the expert. I'm told by a great many people I will look back at this moment with great fondness. Until that time I will continue to remember my dream...a dream of sand and an ocean...an ocean made of urine...

Kinda gross but a fact of parenthood...

Ok guys, as you know the crusader is always in a battle against the forces that would take over the kingdom of Avila-ville. Yes, these forces are small in size but their energy levels far make up for it. In this case they have unloaded with a new form of ammunition...snot or also referred to as a booger...either way...pretty gross. Somehow the younger children seem to think that my walls are nothing more then a blank piece of canvass for their artwork. At first glance I thought the wall had a stucco look but when i rubbed my hand across the surface the wall was falling apart! Yes, boogers were placed on my freshly painted walls. I have spoken to the children and oddly enough none of the 6 kids admitted to doing this terrible act. In fact, my 5 year old has suggested that the Green Goblin (yes, from the spider man cartoon) may have been the villain to do this. Needless to say I stand guard on my wall. Much like the wall that divided Germany my children chant...DADDY, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! Of course if we did that where would they place their boogers next.....yuck....

A cell phone....Our company VP and my OCD

As luck would have it over the years your Crusader has developed some rather annoying fears, habits and rituals. One of those fears deals with bacteria so I like things to stay extra clean. Of course my lovely wife capitalizes on this because the house is always kept up! :) With that being said let me share with you a horror story.

It all began on a lovely sunny day. The birds were chirping and sun was dancing. (just bare with me!) As the day continued my VP of Operations came to my desk to let me know that his cell phone was broken. As such I did my best to find out why it was broken. I pressed the buttons...I took the battery out....I put it to my ear..I did all the good things an employee would do to help out a superior. But, I digress. I asked my VP...."Fine sir" (yes I'm a suck up) "How did the phone break?" To which he responded, "I dropped it in the toilet" As suddenly as he made the statement my heart had stopped and my skin began to walk off of the bones that carries my wonderful frame. Truly Einsteins theory of time travel was proven since I was in fact experiencing several dimensions of time and space at the same time. Time froze....my skin melted...With that being said he looked at me with a look of bewilderment as though I should be honored to have had his urine soaked phone close to my ear. I experienced a moment of insanity where everything blacked out.....Writing the story of this event has been therapeutic for me...I hope to be release by this weekend...

It's just not fair....

For the most part I would estimate that a good portion of the SE hemisphere is aware of my love for Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide. Unfortunately there is a portion of society that would try to ruin me and not let me indulge in this guilty pleasure. These sinister forces come in the guise of a 5 year old boy. With that being said let me help you understand what the crusader has had to deal with . This weekend while trying to clean the dishes I made several attempts to take one bite - yes one bite - out of this holy dish. As I got busy with things I came back to an empty container with only a spoon to account for. I looked around wondering if perhaps my home had been vandalized while I was vacuuming. As I summoned my son I noticed he has a mustache that had not been there previously. There were two options.

1. He was in fact growing a mustache and despite his age might be able to get a job earlier then expected.

2. He had in fact indulged himself to my ice-cream not fearing the obvious consequences.


So, I summoned the child. He did in fact deny that he ate any of the ice cream. So, with that being said we're hoping that he can get a job next week with his new found mustache.