Dad and his gifts....

This year was different then most years. I was proud of my children for the time they put into picking out my gifts. Here is a recap:

My 6 year old son got me a pair of black latex gloves. His reasoning...because he wanted me to have some nice sturdy gloves
when i work in the garden. Good thinking my boy!

My 4 year old and 13 year old got be a pair of batteries...cant ever have enough batteries!

My 9 year got me a football platter...came in handy because we used it for serving the biscuits on Christmas morning!

So...this is the a list of some of the cool things the kids got me...I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

The Hispanic Crusader

http://kingdomoftheabsurd.blogspot.com/

The Children and Socks

This is a perpetual problem. A problem that parents have sought answers to for generations....the missing socks. How is it that the two elders (by this i mean the two wisest people in the home, mom and dad) seem to have very little trouble matching up their socks after a wash cycle. However, the children seem to have no recollections as to the whereabouts of their socks? A mystery? No...a conspiracy. I've studied and researched this problem and as outrageous as it may seem the answer is plain and simple. The children have been abducted by aliens and the socks may have been forgotten on the craft. Hear me out. Here are some common things abductee's experience:

1. No Memory - Ask your child where the socks are at and they'll always answer the same way. I don't remember or I don't recall seeing them.

2. Pain or sickness - Once we establish the socks are missing I will ask the children to look for their socks. Mysteriously they fall ill unable to look for the socks and spending the rest of the afternoon in bed.

3. Lost time - Actually this one belongs to me. I lose time doing something valuable having to do something therapeutic such as writing this blog!

4. Encounters with strange creatures - I apologize, this one is mine also. I often times feel this way after walking into the children's room and observing them in their habitat.

After careful consideration it appears it is I who am an alien in this strange land. I need to talk with my wife....it appears we're not crazy after all.

1993 Senior Video - Grace College

My Youth Group Elves

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

A Time to Sleep....Why Me....

As all of my fellow crusaders understand I have tried for years to sleep, even if for a short amount of time. However, sleep continues to elude me. During the past 2 weeks I have been met with some major opposition. In short, let me describe the circumstances which have lead to my dillusions.

So there I was in bed...sleeping....sleeping...sleeping..suddenly a knock at the door and a small hands shakes me to wake. The 7 year old is at my bedside with what she considers an emergency. "what's the problem I ask?" The 7 year old replies by asking, "i spilled my orange juice, what should i do?" A lot of thoughts went through my head. Most of them revolved around duct tape...my door..and an electric current that would shock anyone who touched my door knob. I asked her, "what do you think you should do?" She looked puzzled...as though i had asked her to come up with some sort of quantum theory to prove that all smurfs are indeed sexless creatures....I digress. She replied with a simple answer, "i clean it up?" I stood up in applause..the angels sang and the heavens opened up.

The Sunday afternoon nap. No such thing my friends. There I was...napping on the couch. My wife did a wonderful job picking out the couch. It was comfortable and relaxing. I began to drift into a world where happiness meant not having to worry about urine soaked beds or booger faced children. (it's difficult to remove dry boogers!) So there i was..laying there...and suddenly it happened...BANG BANG BANG! I was being attacked by a 6 year old boy and his light saber. As i awoke I was met with a hailstorm of light saber sound effects and barrage of pummeling hard plastic. So..we battled...and...I lost. Oh well. Such is a day in the life of the crusader himself.

Bill

http://kingdomoftheabsurd.blogspot.com/

No time to sleep..

So there we were...sleeping at 6:00 am on a cool Saturday morning. The windows were left open so my wife and I could snuggle in the blankets. We heard the birds chirping....the sun was shining....life was perfect....until....KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Yes, it was one of the children. It is in fact a law in the Avila household that no one is allowed out of their room until 8:00 on Saturday morning and this alone was cause for a child takeover which last hours due to child union regulations which was put in place by various children of the Avila household. The rule was simple, stay in your room until 8am...however...nothing is simple in a child's mind. In the childrens minds we were in fact keep them from using the potty. After litigation I was able to convince the children that common sense would be written in the Avila book of knowledge which they would have to refer to in case of an emergency on Saturday mornings. But I digress. So there we were in a deep sleep...the knock at the door awoke us and in walked in the 3 year old. She said she had a bad dream and needed to sleep with us. In order to try and get some sleep we let her in. Moments later the 5 year old walked in (no knock). He also had a bad dream and wanted to sleep. The bed was becoming crowded but we just wanted to get some sleep. Moments later the 7 and 9 year old came downstairs asking us if they could play in their room! We explained that we really didnt care as long as they didnt come out. However, that question was met with a series of questions that hovered around the absurd to the philosophically absurd. By the end of the morning my wife and I had moved into our walk in closet with two pillows and a blanket. It really didn't matter....they followed us in there to.

Bill Avila

http://kingdomoftheabsurd.blogspot.com/

Do you have faith?

Our topic at youth group last night was choosing faith. What a wonderful example of what we spoke of last night. Do you have the faith that God will carry you? Do you have the faith that he will keep you during the hard times? Do you let him drive or are you in the one in control? This is about a father and a son.....what a wonderful example of the type of relationship that God wants us to have with him...Enjoy....

What do you do when....

This was such a classic moment in our house...I asked Ashley (our 9 year old) what she should do when confronted by a stranger....she looked at me with all certainty and said, "STOP - DROP - and ROLL!".

The vision of God carrying us.....

Last night at youth group we spoke on "when bad things happen." The youth were challenged about the bad things that happen to us and why God allow's them to happen. Through that discussion this video was used to illustrate something powerful. When those things in life have us down and we simply don't have the power to cross the line...God asks us to put our arms around him so HE can carry us across...Enjoy...

The true spirit of humanity...

Our humanity will not be defined by the politicians coming into office or the random act of social policy meant to appease some social group. Humanity is the act of one persons decision to do a selfless act. To lift up instead of tear down...Enjoy as you witness humanity as it was meant to be....

Last Stand of the Parents....

There we were....the children were fighting....the yelling had increased from a low toned hum to a loud rumble of a locomotive. I was clearly getting upset and my wife's blood pressure was starting to rise and her facial expression started to develop a red tint. We started to snap at each other until something happened....something incredible...words of wisdom that can only be matched with with the wisdom that Master Yoda spout to aspiring Jedi. My wife looked at me and said, "honey, we can't snap at each other....we have to stay together...it's us against them....and THEY CAN'T WIN!" That's right people...as parents we're in charge not the children! It's important to let them know that as parents we can't be divided....that we're the one's who make the rules! That we....oh...gotta run....Megan wants me to run her bath...bye...


http://kingdomoftheabsurd.blogspot.com/

Foxnews Bill O'Reilley Expresses the Anger of all Americans

Simple Question...Simple Answer....

So there I was..tired...sleepy....and grouchy. My wife had gone to some yard sales early in the AM and it was her hope that I could sleep in on this lovely Saturday morn. Unfortunately the children had other plans. I still think that the children conspired against me but they insist this is not the case. 6:30 am strikes...there is a pat on my head...It's one of my daughters. "daddy, i spilled some orange juice..what should i do?" I looked around in hopes that I was still dreaming. However..this wasn't a dream...it was a nightmare. I looked at her and simply said, "clean it?" She looked at me as though i had just passed on some amazing piece of knowledge. The look was similar to that of Indiana Jones when he found the ark of the covenant.

I laid my head back down...15 min later my son taps my head. "daddy, can i watch tv in here?" I looked at him...at first my thoughts wavered to tackling him and then i came to my senses. "connor, did you see me sleeping?" He replied, "oh...i thought you were fake sleeping." So i turned on the tv while i tried to get some remnant of sleep.

A knock at the door...."dad!"...I looked up...it was the #2 child in command. "We're out of Cheerioes...can i open another box?" I knew at this point there was no turning back and I got up to prepare some pancakes and muffins. Now that i think about it...it seems like i played into their game plan...genius....pure genius.....


http://kingdomoftheabsurd.blogspot.com/

Lehman Brothers

Imagine that a relative of yours is in a financial rut...imagine you lend that relative some money...imagine after your loaned out the money that they went out and purchased Christmas gifts! Well my friends...this is my rant. Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy but somehow managed to save $1.5bn for a bonus pool! Well my friends...as this with the company i work for...when the company isn't making money...don't expect a bonus for that year. It's amazing that despite all these bail outs people still feel entitled to a bonus for a job "well done". Corporate welfare at it's best. I normally don't like to rant on such things however if we as a nation have faith in the free market then we must let the free market correct itself without the bail outs. My fellow crusaders, how would you feel if someone went into your bank account and thanked you for a loan you didn't approve...that my friend is basically what the government just did....

*source* http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/521000-the-average-pay-of-goldman-sachs-employees-173-and-that-includes-secretaries-466273.html

Remembering Sept 11

As I can recall my wife and I were at home watching Foxnews. I had recently been laid off and i was getting ready to start my day by sending out my resumes. I remember my wife calling me downstairs and we sat down to watch the news about a possible "commuter" plane that had crashed into the first tower. There was so much confusion..no one really knew what had happened or what was going on. As suddenly as the situation was being understood the other tower was attacked and the pentagon had also been hit. I remember the feelings from that day...I remember my wife and I looking at each other in disbelief....But I also remember the tears I wept and the faith I had to rest secure in....

Our lil princess....a nap..and some makeup

Ah the nap. Millions of parents look forward to it and millions more crave it. The part of the day where the nap is the equivalent to a prisoner having 1 hour "outside" time. So, this is the story of of a lil girl named Megan. A 3 year old who is the youngest of the 6 children. A girl who believes that she was born a princess and continues to live with us so she can experience the life of a commoner. Yes, this is the life of Megan. One day, around 1:00 in the afternoon we asked, not told, our young child that it was necessary to take a nap. She agreed to our surprise. About an hour into the nap we opened the door to our bedroom to notice she was talking to herself...she was singing "I'm so pretty." I thought it odd...until...i saw what had happened. Yes, she had gotten into mommies makeup drawer and took it upon herself to put lipstick and eyeliner all over her lil face. I do give her credit where credit is deserved...she put everything back in it's proper place! Oh well...I would type more but Megan is calling for me....i guess im suppose to draw her bath....

The Amazing Life of Me.....

My # 3 child came up to me and said I should write a blog entitled "The Amazing Life of Me". So I sat on this and wondered how amazing my life really was. Father to 6 kids, husband to an incredible wife, owner to a cool dog. I do live an amazing life. So, I went back to #3 and told her she was right and that I was going to write a blog about my amazing life. She stopped me and told me that she was talking about herself when she said that.....guess I'll start writing her life story in a few minutes....

Who to vote for?

Goodness, where does one start? Your lovable Crusader is having a tough time putting his thoughts together on who to vote for. Actually, the process is fairly similar to an episode of Fear Factor where i must decide on eating the cows liver raw or eating the maggots from the dead body of a rotting cat. Either way the experience wont be pleasant and in the end I'll end up getting sick. However, some key things are important when making an important decision such as this.

1. Most likely to lower my taxes: X McCain X Obama
Lets face it...what else would they say? Of course the government is 3 Trillion Dollars in the hole so why not LOWER the amount of taxes so the government can continue to spend more and when necessary give itself a raise. Makes great sense to me!

2. Which of the two candidates would win in a No-Holds Barred fight? Obama
The reality is McCain can't raise his arms due to the injuries he incurred while a POW. (Thanks goes to my office mate Mike who pointed this out). Because of this I give Obama the nod.

3. Less likely to have another nation go to war with us? Obama
The likely hood of Obama going to war is lessened due in part by his obvious skills in a no-hold brawl as demonstrated by the vicious hand to hand defeat of McCain in the cage. Honestly, who would want to take this warrior of a man on!?

4. Most likely to win a hot dog eating match? McCain
Hands down the winner goes to McCain. I envision these two guys up at the table...the gun goes off...and McCain goes straight to the hot dogs. During which time Obama starts talking about our dependence on foreign hot dogs and how we need to find a different source for hot dogs if we are going to prosper as a nation.

So there you go guys, a critical analysis of the upcoming presidential election. If we play our cards right Jesse Ventura may step up to the plate and how cool would it be to have a former Navy SEAL as president.....

A trip to the movies....

The crusader and his lovely wife celebrated 15 years of marriage last night! So, in the spirit of celebration we went out for dinner and a movie. On the way to the movies i had this terrible feeling hit my gut...it was the bathroom feeling. Well....certain universal OCD rules prohibit me from visiting the men's room. In fact, I'm certain that by even stepping foot in one I can lose my membership card. With this in mind I could not hold it any longer. So, i stepped into the men's room. When i walked in I was frightened by the fact that men i had seen using the stalls or urinals were walking straight out of the bathroom without stopping by the sinks! So, i ventured forth. I glanced at the urinals and thought, "I can make this quick." However, i took a gamble. The last time I used a urinal someone stood next to me and in a moment frozen in time looked at me and said, "hey". There is a slight possibility he actually said, "hey, how's it goin" but by that point i was suffering high anxiety and was trying to determine what his next move would be. Since the incident, I refer to as "The Nov 13 incident", I decided the urinal was not a good plan of action and moved to the stalls. Upon entering I noticed what I could only describe as the "ocean party of bacterial filth." In other words urine was all over the floor. I started to panic....i moved across the stalls and as i did i started to have visions in which toilets across the world decided to hunt me down as an annihilation of man kinds cruelness. I worked my way into the handicapped stall..it looked clean...presentable...so. The rest is history. As I speak i can only tell you the total horror I have knowing that such a place exists....I'm hoping I have the nerve to leave this bathroom stall in the next couple of hours....

Looking for a job?

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief.I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that
most people can only dream about. Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

Letters...We get letters....

Alright Crusader readers, it's time to read from the mail bag.

Dear Crusader, I just found your space by accident. I was in fact looking for a blog on the actual Crusades when your page popped up from the blog search. Do you feel guilty misleading the readers by calling yourself a crusader when you really aren't crusading against anything? An accidental Reader

Wow...thanks for that email. In answer to your question. No..i don't feel guilty. In fact the crusade that i lead is against the forces that would otherwise take over my home and create a state of anarchy instead of the tribal bliss I have created in my own garden of eden. These forces range from 3 years of age to 13. Hope that answers your question.

Dear Crusader, I'm a part time fireman who is also Mexican. My wife is about to give birth to twin boys. What should i name them?

Cordially,
Mexican Firehouse

Thanks for the question and thank you for giving me the opportunity to name your two children. Since you are in deed Mexican and a fireman i would name your sons, Jose and Hose B. Thanks for the question!

Well gang keep the mail coming...The crusader loves to hear form everyone!

The waterbed....

As many people know the crusader enjoys his afternoon naps. One fine Sunday afternoon the Crusader was deep in sleep but oddly enough I was dreaming of crashing waves and beach sand. Suddenly, my dream began to stink as though an ocean liner of "stank" had fallen into the ocean. Awakening from this polluted dream I noticed my 3 year old daughter in bed with me. How cute, she wanted to nap with dad. However, my hand was wet...and...well...i smelled like the back end of a mall parking lot. Yes, she had in fact urinated in our bed. Gross. So, your crusader jumped into action to clean up the mess. I awoke from my slumber....analyzed the situation....and called for my wife. In moments like this it's important to call in the expert. I'm told by a great many people I will look back at this moment with great fondness. Until that time I will continue to remember my dream...a dream of sand and an ocean...an ocean made of urine...

Kinda gross but a fact of parenthood...

Ok guys, as you know the crusader is always in a battle against the forces that would take over the kingdom of Avila-ville. Yes, these forces are small in size but their energy levels far make up for it. In this case they have unloaded with a new form of ammunition...snot or also referred to as a booger...either way...pretty gross. Somehow the younger children seem to think that my walls are nothing more then a blank piece of canvass for their artwork. At first glance I thought the wall had a stucco look but when i rubbed my hand across the surface the wall was falling apart! Yes, boogers were placed on my freshly painted walls. I have spoken to the children and oddly enough none of the 6 kids admitted to doing this terrible act. In fact, my 5 year old has suggested that the Green Goblin (yes, from the spider man cartoon) may have been the villain to do this. Needless to say I stand guard on my wall. Much like the wall that divided Germany my children chant...DADDY, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! Of course if we did that where would they place their boogers next.....yuck....

A cell phone....Our company VP and my OCD

As luck would have it over the years your Crusader has developed some rather annoying fears, habits and rituals. One of those fears deals with bacteria so I like things to stay extra clean. Of course my lovely wife capitalizes on this because the house is always kept up! :) With that being said let me share with you a horror story.

It all began on a lovely sunny day. The birds were chirping and sun was dancing. (just bare with me!) As the day continued my VP of Operations came to my desk to let me know that his cell phone was broken. As such I did my best to find out why it was broken. I pressed the buttons...I took the battery out....I put it to my ear..I did all the good things an employee would do to help out a superior. But, I digress. I asked my VP...."Fine sir" (yes I'm a suck up) "How did the phone break?" To which he responded, "I dropped it in the toilet" As suddenly as he made the statement my heart had stopped and my skin began to walk off of the bones that carries my wonderful frame. Truly Einsteins theory of time travel was proven since I was in fact experiencing several dimensions of time and space at the same time. Time froze....my skin melted...With that being said he looked at me with a look of bewilderment as though I should be honored to have had his urine soaked phone close to my ear. I experienced a moment of insanity where everything blacked out.....Writing the story of this event has been therapeutic for me...I hope to be release by this weekend...

It's just not fair....

For the most part I would estimate that a good portion of the SE hemisphere is aware of my love for Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide. Unfortunately there is a portion of society that would try to ruin me and not let me indulge in this guilty pleasure. These sinister forces come in the guise of a 5 year old boy. With that being said let me help you understand what the crusader has had to deal with . This weekend while trying to clean the dishes I made several attempts to take one bite - yes one bite - out of this holy dish. As I got busy with things I came back to an empty container with only a spoon to account for. I looked around wondering if perhaps my home had been vandalized while I was vacuuming. As I summoned my son I noticed he has a mustache that had not been there previously. There were two options.

1. He was in fact growing a mustache and despite his age might be able to get a job earlier then expected.

2. He had in fact indulged himself to my ice-cream not fearing the obvious consequences.


So, I summoned the child. He did in fact deny that he ate any of the ice cream. So, with that being said we're hoping that he can get a job next week with his new found mustache.

6 kids...a bathroom...and no peace.

I have to be honest. When it comes to bathroom time I see it as my moment of recluse. A brief moment in time frozen where peace and war are insignificant compared to the matters at hand. A time to catch up on my reading or perhaps ponder the state of environmental affairs as I read the chemicals that make up the fragrance of the spray about to surround my bathroom. However I have a problem...in fact 6 of them. To date, my bathroom breaks are limited to 45 sec intervals ranging from daily updates on various potty cycles to the hourly updates of various consumer affairs related to the wants and desires of teenage girls in this family who feel it their obligation to drive my family into a major deficit in hopes of obtaining the latest of footwear and ear popping music technology. My hopes are simple, that perhaps I can be privy to one moment of silence or perhaps something supernatural can happen and as I open the door to the bathroom I'll be transported into Narnia where surely I can have 5 min of uninterrupted bathroom silence...thanks for listening...someone is knocking on the door again...